What If...

One of my most memorable “Saturday Night Live” sketches was called “What If.” It was one of the pseudo-PBS shows in which Dan Aykroyd hosted a bunch of pseudo-pseudo-intellectuals debating topics like “What if Superman grew up in Germany, instead of America?" or “What if Eleanor Roosevelt could fly?”

Well, twice last week the Red Sox played “What If.” First, the question was “What if we used only Pawsox pitchers in a real Major League game?” Then there was “What if we used only Pawsox position players in a real Major League game?” Either way, it didn’t work out.

The pitchers’ game was necessitated by Josh Beckett’s back problems. He was scratched at the last minute and the emergency starter was Michael Bowden (4-6, 3.13 for Pawtucket). He gave up seven runs in three innings. Then came Hunter Jones (4-3, 4.25 for Pawtucket). He was followed by Dustin Richardson (2-2, 2.55 for Portland and Pawtucket), who was summoned to Boston from his home in Kansas to fill a roster spot. Manny Delcarmen, who has been pitching like a minor leaguer lately, finished the game off. Final score: Toronto 11, Boston 5 in a rain-shortened seven innings.

Two days later, with the Sox having clinched the Wild Card, it was Futures at Fenway time again. Tim Wakefield was totally ineffective as the starter, but the other nine guys in the lineup were even more ineffective as hitters, with Joey Gathright (.325 at Pawtucket), Josh Reddick (.127 in 18 games), Goerge Kottaras (.294 in 10 games), Brian Anderson (.228), Jed Lowrie (.176) and Chris Woodward (.129) combining to go 2-for-17 (Gathright had two singles). Where was Iggy Suarez when we needed him?

Well, those two games proved one thing: These guys are not ready for prime time.

In good news, Jon Lester showed that he’s OK, pitching a very Lester-like game in his final start of the regular season, giving up two hits and striking out seven. That’s one playoff question answered. We’ll have another answer tonight as Dice-K gets another start. He still makes me nervous. His first game back, he pitched like a different guy, challenging hitters and throwing strikes. Last time out, he was back to being “The Nibbler.” Against the Anaheim Angels, every nibble gives the Angels a greater chance to create mayhem on the basepaths.

Most teams have some sort of Fan Appreciation event at the end of the season. They give away good stuff to their loyal fans, things like game-worn shirts, bobbleheads and stuff like that. This year, the Sox are having their own Fan Appreciation events and, according to the official release, “ARAMARK vendors will also be providing lucky fans, selected randomly throughout the ballpark, with complimentary peanuts and Cracker Jacks during the 7th inning stretch of each game.” Your support is worth peanuts to us.